As a girl who wants to sleep all day, live forever and not forgive the people she hates, it’s safe to assume vampires tickle my murder bone. Specifically, hot modern vampires. The classic standby of the tormented ghoul—galavanting around in shitty Sears Eurowear—does little for me. But the homoerotic undertones of Anne Rice (who ignited my love of the undead when I worked for B. Dalton Bookseller at the tender age of sixteen), the white trash over-sexualization of Charlaine Harris and the chaste necrophilia/bestiality of Stephenie Meyer bring out the hopeless romantic in me. I know vampires are passé, and our culture is up to its asshole in their melodrama, but I can’t help it. I’m allowed to go full estrogen sometimes.
To any guy rolling their eyes at this, I’ll explain the allure. Try to learn something. Few things are as appealing to a teenage girl than showing the world she knows better than it does. These creatures epitomize our intrinsic need to bring home the very boy that will drive our parents the farthest from their skull. In that sense, vampire stories are girl porn. After all, what is pornography if not a dramatization of forbidden fruit—that which is most unattainable to its audience? Men, your porn focuses on the mechanics of sex, because… well, look at yourself in the mirror. Women, on the other hand, are trying to compensate for a lack of intimacy. Know why? Because not only are you ugly, but when we do throw you a bone, you suck at cuddling, too.
We would rather endure the rigors of what is essentially a sentient zombie—or at least a cannibal with way better table manners—than sit through one more goddamn baseball game with you. Stop pretending it’s good. Sink your teeth into this (surprisingly vegetarian) appetizer, instead:
Bruschetta Of The Damned
- 1 baguette
- olive oil
- 1 package white mushrooms
- 1 package crimini mushrooms
- 2 cloves garlic
- 1 tbsp fresh rosemary
- truffle oil
- extra sharp cheddar cheese
Preheat oven to 425˚. Slice baguette on the diagonal into 1/2″ slices. Place slices on baking sheet and brush with olive oil. Bake for 7–8 minutes until toasted. In food processor, blend mushrooms, garlic and rosemary, until chopped very finely. Saute over medium heat in a pan with a little bit of olive oil, salt and pepper. When mushrooms are cooked drizzle with truffle oil. (You can skip this step if you don’t have any, but I’d rather you pony up for a bottle.) Top bruschetta with a spoonful of the mushroom mixture and a slice of cheese.
The fifth season of True Blood premiered last night, so a post like this was bound to follow. Staring at The Ass of Skarsgård is why I pay for HBO. Shenanigans, however, must be called. Never mind the bloodsuckers, werewolves, shifters, fairies, demons, witches and clairvoyants… do you really expect me to believe that a small Louisiana shithole could really have a population of resoundingly perfect teeth? Gay vampire Americans? Perfectly acceptable. Gay vampire Americans sans gingivitis? C’mon…
TWTG says, “You’re gonna bring the comedy, or we’re gonna pierce your nipple.”